Jesus turned out okay.

For the last, oh, 12 weeks, I have been worried about Annabelle's sleep and eating habits. The question that every.single.person. asks is, "is she sleeping through the night?" (WHY everyone asks that, I have yet to find out). And, every babycenter.com email, the bump.com email, and parenting email says that by now, baby should be STTN, and eating once or twice at night. Well, that stresses a momma out, let me tell you. My answer has been "no, she isn't, but that's okay!" but secretly I panic a little wondering why my child isn't "shoulding" like apparently everyone else's are.

Annabelle is not on a schedule. She eats when she is hungry, sleeps when she is tired, and doesn't particularly care to be without her momma. She won't take a bottle. She won't go to sleep without nursing 75% of the time, sleeps horribly in her crib, not great in her co-sleeper, and best in our bed with my boob close by at all times. She wakes up to snack many times at night. She doesn't have a consistent bedtime, and she naps only 45 minutes at a time unless I am napping with her.

I was pretty worried about those things. "They" say those things need to be "fixed," as if they are broken, or bad habits that will ruin her. I have read a zillion articles and books trying to figure out how to "fix" my daughter, never feeling like the solutions were right for her, or me, or us. We tried a bedtime for weeks and weeks, frustration building because she wouldn't stay asleep. We tried getting her to fall asleep on her own without nursing, but she clearly wasn't interested. We tried to get her to nap longer, but that was an uphill battle. I kept feeling worse and worse, like I was ruining my baby.

Then I started thinking about Mary and baby Jesus. Mary didn't have sleep books. Or the internet. Or a clock to time naps or plan bedtimes. She had her precious baby, her breasts to feed him with, and the maternal instincts that the Father blessed her with. They didn't have a crib, they didn't have pacifiers, they didn't have white noise machines or "baby tracker" apps on an iPad. She most likely slept with Jesus, nursed him whenever he cried, and carried him around most of the day.

And you know what?

Jesus turned out okay.

It may not be the norm, but Annabelle is doing fine. She is thriving, happy most of the time, and apparently is well rested, even if I am not always. We are doing what works for us, what feels right. We won't let her cry it out, give her formula to make her full, or make her sleep in her crib. God gave ME a maternal instinct, and it says we are doing okay. These days won't last forever, and I am positive that I won't look back and say, "man, I wish I would have cuddled her less, or breast fed her less, or napped with her less!" Quite the contrary, I'm sure.

So for now, no, she is not sleeping through the night, and no, she is not on a schedule. I'm done worrying and reading and "shoulding" my baby, and am happy to follow her lead, since she knows what she needs.

Jesus turned out okay, and I am pretty sure Annabelle will, too.

3 Month Fluff!

Sleep

My life now revolves around sleep.
When will Annabelle wake up in the morning?
Now that she's up, how much time do we have to run out before she is tired?
Is she tired?
We have to get home or she's going to melt down.
I thought she was tired, isn't this naptime, and why isn't she going to sleep?
When was her last nap?
How long was her nap?
Only 30 minutes? Should I try getting her back down?
Should I keep her up now or let her have a catnap before bed?
Is our bedtime routine good?
It's bedtime, she is clearly tired, shouldn't she be sleeping?
Will she ever let me put her down?
Why won't she sleep more than an hour?
It's 10:30! Why isn't she sleeping?
I could have written that book, "Go the F*^¥ to Sleep," that one guy published.
Okay she is finally asleep, dare I put her down?
ARRGGHHH why does she wake up every.time. I put her down?
Will I ever in my life sleep more than a couple of hours in a row?


That's basically my entire thought process all day. Every now and then there is a non-sleep related thought that pops up, and I am usually surprised when that happens and remind myself that life used to not be about sleep, and I used to have normal thoughts on a regular basis. Alas, no more.

Annabelle just went to sleep. Literally. It is 12:48 am. We have been trying unsuccessfully since 7:00.

We may or may not be getting out of bed tomorrow.