standing in the kitchen

...that's where I am right now. Standing in the kitchen, eating saltines. I'm feeling quite sick to my stomach and exhausted today. I'm home for lunch, waiting for the water to boil so I can cook my pasta. While said water is heating, I have a chicken on the counter, on the cutting board. It's a whole chicken, the kind with the skin still on it. It's from a local farmer, who lets his chickens run free...free like the wind... anyway. I bought chickens and eggs from this local farmer a couple of weeks ago. Much better (and cheaper) than buying organic free-range chickens from Meijer. Plus I like supporting local farms. anyway. the point of this is not about buying local. The point is that I am standing here, staring at this chicken. Well, staring at the bowl that is upside down covering said chicken. It has blood coming out of it. Not a lot, but enough. It also has all of its...parts...inside. like, BODY parts.

This is not a birth. Seeing birth, I am okay with that. I'm okay with women's blood, the smell of a fresh placenta, and watching lady-bits get stitched back together. Some of you are grimacing right now--that doesn't bother me. What DOES bother me, is this chicken. I've never bought a chicken that still has parts inside. I've never seen it, cooked with it, anything. All I know is that these parts must come out, and I am not going to do it. (The blood is currently making it's way slowly down the cutting board. Thank God my mom got me one that has those ditches around the edge to catch fluids!)

Jason is on his way home. I called him and told him he had to come. I can't do this, prepare this chicken for the crock pot. I already feel sick to my stomach today--chicken blood and guts doesn't help. I told him I'm fighting back throw-up, so he's coming.

I am pretty sure that I'm going to be a pescatarian now. We already don't eat a lot of meat, because organic free-range meat costs a lot of money. It won't be a huge shift. I just don't think I can handle this anymore. I've been slowly on the way to becoming pescatarian/vegetarian/whatever, what with learning about how animals are treated on farms, what they're fed, etc... now that I'm actually seeing a FOR REAL dead chicken on my cutting board, I think I've pretty much hit my breaking point.

So.

Jason is here now. he said he's going to fry the liver and eat it later. excuse me while I go throw up.