Okay, so here we are. I've been a new parent for the second time, for 8 weeks. I gotta tell you, it's been very different this time around.
Before I had Annabelle, I read lots of parenting books, and so of course I was a way better mom than anyone ever in the history of the world. I went into parenting her very stuck in the Dr. Sears mindset of attachment parenting. Co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby-wearing, non-cry-it-outing. I kept hearing his voice in the back of my head reminding me that crying raised a baby's stress hormone (cortisol), and elevated levels of cortisol effects their emotional and cognitive development (this still goes through my head everyday, actually), so I NEVER used to let Belle cry. or fuss. or whine. The thing that Dr. Sears NEVER said though, was how much crying has these negative effects. Annabelle was super fussy all the time. She wouldn't sleep (without fussing, mind you) anywhere but WITH me or ON me. She fussed in anyone's arms but mine, wouldn't take a paci, wouldn't take a bottle. She was just a hard newborn.
Okay, but really? I was a hyper-AP, over-worried, over-stressing, over-paranoid first time mom. YES, Annabelle was definitely fussier than the average baby, looking back at her. But, my overly...attentive? responses didn't help, I don't think.
THIS time around, Dr. Sears has taken the passenger seat and I am driving this car. I've been reading a lot more of Janet Lansbury's stuff, and she offers great, middle of the road suggestions that are focused on respectful parenting, not attachment parenting. Most of her ideas still run parallel to AP, but there are some things that are different that my inner mommy really agrees with. I really recommend her. And, in general? I'm following MY gut instincts instead of Dr. Sears' instincts. Or anyone's, really. If my gut is different than what someone else said, my gut gets the trump card.
Oliver has had his fussy times, believe me. I'm not saying he's never upset. He certainly is. And, 90% of the time, I know why, and am able to meet his need. The other 10%, when I don't know what he needs, and nothing really is working, I'm okay with putting him in a wrap on me, or in his bouncy seat, or handing him to Jason and letting him fuss for a few minutes. More often than not, he calms down on his own, and I figure that, like adults, he just needed to whine for a few minutes.
Sleep is also a huge difference. This time around, I'm too tired to safely keep Oliver in bed with me. Honestly. With Annabelle, I was exhausted, but so hyper-alert that I was constantly aware of her presence in bed with me. With Oliver, I'm just so tired that I don't have the energy to be hyper-alert, and so I'm truly not comfortable keeping him in my bed most of the time. I really think that it would be possible for me to somehow smother him in my sleep and not really realize it. So, Oliver sleeps in a co-sleeper next to me. I can reach out and touch him and talk to him and he's right there. Sometimes he sleeps on my chest, which I'm okay with but doesn't happen all that often b/c I don't sleep as well when he's on my chest. And, I really need sleep. So, my goal is to sleep as well as possible ;) Annabelle always nursed or rocked or bounced or whatever to sleep before we eeeeeeever-so-gently tried to put her down, where she of course immediately woke up. I also wore her for almost every nap for a long time.
With Oliver, this is just not possible, mostly because I have a preschooler to attend to, also. And you know what? The world hasn't ended, and Oliver is sleeping way better than Annabelle ever did. I made a point this time around to really learn his sleepy cues, and as soon as he starts getting really drowsy, I nurse him if it's been awhile, and lay him down (on his tummy) in the co-sleeper. He fusses or whines for sometimes a couple of minutes, while trying to get comfortable, look for his hand to suck on, or find a good place for his head. I often sit next to him or just put a hand on his back so he knows I'm still here, but if I leave, he fusses for a lot less time, I've noticed. I always keep the monitor on so I can hear him, and if his fusses elevate into cries, I go and get him pretty much right away and just wear him for that nap b/c, let's face it, I just don't have time to deal with him trying to fall asleep. Most of the time, though, he falls asleep on his own. On his own. in his own space. It's miraculous. And, if he wakes up before he's ready, if I leave him for a couple of minutes, he falls back to sleep. This isn't letting him cry for hours or neglecting him. It honestly feels like respecting his personhood enough to help him fall asleep on his own terms, because he obviously needs the sleep. If he acts like he wants to nurse for awhile longer, I usually happily respond. If he just can't seem to get comfortable, I wear him in the wrap because I know he's gassy and being upright probably does feel better. But, I'm watching and listening to his cues this time instead of just assuming he will never fall asleep on his own, and assuming that he needs me to help him. When he stirs at night, I put a hand on him and shush him instead of immediately picking him up and nursing him, like I did Annabelle. (Annabelle was also a little bit different, in that she would nurse forever if I let her. Oliver very clearly communicates when he does and does not want to nurse). Often he goes back to sleep, sometimes he doesn't and we nurse. As soon as he is done nursing and burping, I put him down and he falls right back to sleep on his own. I am really not anticipating having the same sleep issues we have had with Belle this time around. Maybe that's wishful thinking, but we seem to be on a better path already with O.
Nursing is a little bit different, in that it takes a lot more effort for me to make sure O gets enough per feeding. Since he swallows a lot of air while he's nursing, he feels fuller sooner than he is. So, we burp a lot, and it takes longer to get his tummy full of milk and not just air. And I need two hands this time, so I don't get to play on my phone or be distracted by other things when I'm nursing him. I really just have to focus. Since it takes more time and effort, I don't always offer the breast immediately when he's fussing, like I did with Annabelle. He probably wouldn't take it, if I did, because he really is clear when he doesn't want to nurse. He's not on a schedule, and we still nurse on demand, but it's more HIS demand, than me desperately trying to keep him from crying or fussing by shoving a boob in his face.
O will take a bottle and a paci, unlike Annabelle, so Jason has been able to feed him/comfort him more. That's given me more freedom to leave Oliver, unlike Annabelle. I'm hoping O is much more comfortable being left with Daddy than Belle ever was. She only wanted me, all the time, and so that's what we did, and it was super emotionally and mentally draining for me. It's been nice to be able to take Belle out shopping with me for brief errands, or out on little mommy daughter dates a couple of times without stressing about whether or not Oliver is hungry.
Baby wearing is actually happening a lot more this time around, mostly out of necessity. And I have a new love for woven wraps ;)
Attachment parenting certainly has a place in our household, but not to the extent that Dr. Sears may prefer. Partly because it's nearly impossible to do with another child around, and partly because, while I feel we have a great bond with Belle, I don't want to be dealing with some of the things we've been dealing with due to her sleep issues. I do have to say that I feel less bonded/attached to Oliver at this point in his life than I did with Annabelle, but I don't think that has to do with AP or not. I think it has to do with the fact that I can't just sit and stare at him or dote on him all day, because I have another child to attend to, too. I think we're doing pretty well all things considered, but I do hope to develop the same deep bond that I have with Annabelle.
So anyway, that's where we're at 8 weeks in :)
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