The Belly: I don't have a picture, I'm sorry. But, my stomach is pretty much back to normal, except for a little pooch of fat that I need to lose still. My skin feels different now that it's been stretched out so much, but I think that will probably change back to normal once I tighten my abs back up (yeah, like I will ever have time to exercise again! hah.)
I'm about 4 pounds away from my pre-baby weight, so that feels good. Yay for breastfeeding and automatic weight loss. I'm back in a few pairs of my pre-baby pants, and bought a few more a size up that are more comfortable. I also got a few new shirts that make nursing a little bit easier, which is nice.
Other "body" stuff: Breastfeeding has been an awesome experience. It was rough at the beginning, and we still have our moments, but overall it's amazing. Thanks to Jodi, the LLL leader, I now know that I have a strong let-down. My milk comes out really fast for a minute or so, and Annabelle can't keep up. She gets really mad and starts crying, then we have to work extra hard to get her to calm down and eat again. I'm working on dealing with that by hand-pumping a little bit right when my let down happens, or feeding her laying down or reclining in a chair to try and keep gravity at bay a little bit. It's a good problem to have--much better than if I had a low supply or something like that.
My stitches seem to be healing well, though things are definitely still sore. 3rd degree tears are not a walk in the park, my friends, I will tell you that! I'm really hoping that next time I don't tear as bad. I have a fear that I will, since I did this time. I guess we'll see what happens.
I'm tired a lot, which is to be expected with a newborn. I was amazed at how long the endorphins kept me going without much sleep. I didn't sleep at all the first 72 hours after her birth, and the few days afterwards only a few hours each day since I was on such a high. Now I'm getting probably 6-8 hours a night, though it's broken up into 2-3 hour chunks, so it doesn't feel like that much. I know that will get better with time though.
Emotionally: Feeling really good. I have had a few exhaustion-induced mini-meltdowns to Jason, usually in the middle of the night, but nothing extreme. They last about 2 minutes, and then I feel better and move on. Chalk it up to hormones and trying to figure out a newborn!
Processing my birth: Okay, so my birth experience. I've had a few people tell me how lucky I am that I had a great birth experience, and they are right. I felt really conflicting emotions afterwards, though, and had to process through that. I have pretty much figured out why I felt kind of bad afterwards. So, here's what it comes down to...
I--we--wanted to have a natural childbirth, primarily because it's the healthiest way for baby to be born assuming there are no complications or a distressed baby. That's why it was initially important to me, and to Jason. In learning about how to have a natural childbirth, we decided to take the Bradley class, and I chose to read books and online forums supporting natural childbirth. We watched videos, both on our own and in class that all showed natural births. Everything about "natural" birth that we learned about and saw was based on the theory that all one has to do is relax, and then it won't be all that hard...might even be an "orgasmic" experience. Every natural birth we saw and read about showed women quietly relaxing through contractions, and having this blissful birth experience. So, in my mind, natural birth = quiet, relaxed, calm experience.
In MY birth, I was able to relax through probably the first 9 hours of contractions. I wasn't all that quiet, but I wasn't out of control screaming either. The last few hours, I was really unable to relax. I was squirming, gripping Jason or Tia's hand, and crying out in pain. I felt like I couldn't get myself under control to relax through contractions. Then when it was time to push, I yelled even louder. I couldn't NOT yell. Everything in me had to just let the intensity come out somehow, so I yelled. My doula says that I wasn't ever really out of control, but I felt very out of control.
After my birth, I felt embarrassed, and really like somewhat of a failure. Not completely, since I was able to have Annabelle naturally like I wanted to, but a little bit. I couldn't quite figure out why at first. Now I know. I had this idea in my head of what natural childbirth was "supposed" to look like. It's the idea I had because it's basically what I learned about and have seen. Natural birth should be quiet, peaceful, amazing, etc... When my birth wasn't like that, I felt like I had failed at having the birth I wanted. But, thankfully, I realize that's why I felt dejected, and can get over it now. I know that there is NOT one "perfect, ideal" way to have a baby. Everyone has different ideas of how they want to have a baby, and everyone has different capabilities, bodies, minds, and spirits. No one labor is ever the same as another. I had a natural birth, which is what I wanted. MY natural birth was not super quiet, calm, relaxed, because that wasn't what I was capable of or wanted to do when I was going through it. I wanted to yell, and I needed to squeeze someone's hand, and I needed to have a bunch of people helping me through it. I didn't want to be alone, and darnit I didn't want to be quiet. And, that's OK. My birth was perfect because I had a baby. I had a natural childbirth, without drugs or other interventions, which is what I wanted! Just because it wasn't like the births we saw in movies or read about doesn't mean I failed in any way, shape or form. There is not one way to birth, there are a gazillion ways to birth, and mine was perfect for me. And now that I've figured that all out, I'm thrilled :)
Other: I feel like I'm starting to get into the swing of being a mom. I've been able to leave the house on my own and not feel completely out of control, which is an accomplishment! I have breastfed in an Old Navy dressing room, the Target cafe, a few different people's houses, the car (parked, of course), church, and Babies R Us. I have learned to nurse with a "hooter hider" on, standing up, one-handed, laying down. I have changed dirty diapers in public bathrooms, at people's houses, at church, and in the car (again, parked). My house is relatively clean most of the time, the laundry is caught up with, and I have figured out how to get out of the house in under an hour with a 4 week old. Life feels like it's falling into a semi-rhythm again, which feels good.
Meal Trains are amazing. We have had food brought to us almost every single day since Annabelle's birth, and I am soooooo thankful for that. It's been amazing not to have to cook lunch or dinner. What a blessing! I can't imagine having a baby and not being in such a supportive and loving church community. Now that I know just how much it matters, I'm looking forward to bringing meals to my other pregnant friends when they have their babies! (5 that I can think of off the top of my head!!).
Speaking of meal train...here comes dinner now :)
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