book review: Surrendered Wife

Hi my name is Jill, and I'm a control-freak, most of the time. I know this, you probably know this, most people know this. I can't really help it, as it seems like 2nd nature. From as far back as I can remember I wanted to be "the boss." Whether it's from having a strong mother, or just how I was born, who knows. I'm a control-freak. So anyway. My friend Amanda is also a control-freak. In the past we've comiserated about many things, encouraged each other in many things, and have offered advice (mostly her offering ME advice, if I'm going to be honest here) about many situations. Her most recent advice came in the form of a book, Surrendered Wife.

I will be honest. At first I thought Amanda was ridiculous for reading this book. Then she started talking about her marriage was changing already, so I decided to pick it up for myself. Not gonna lie, it was a bit like looking in a mirror. I already knew that I was controlling, and have for a long time worked at being a submissive (in the Biblical sense, people) wife. BUT, I hadn't ever realized there was a difference between submitting and surrendering. Surrendering is about giving up control, which is in turn about trusting those around you to be in control, which in turn leads to more intimacy in relationships, which is the goal of the book.

(pause for disclaimer: This book is ONLY for those wives who are married to "good guys," meaning they are not emotionally, physically, or mentally abusive, OR addicted to a harmful thing like drugs, alcohol, or gambling. If you're married to a "bad guy," who IS abusive or addicted, you should not be reading or worrying about surrendering control.)

Anyway. In reading this book, I realized how much my small instances of not trusting Jason, and instead trying to be in control ("why are you turning that way? The restaurant is over there!" or "You're burning dinner!" or even re-loading the dishwasher after he's done it) slowly emasculate my husband, which leads to less intimacy in marriage. The book walks through how to surrender control step-by-step. I will admit, I almost threw the book out the window on I-74 a few times, but chose to go back and re-read the chapters and commit to at least trying it.

(pause for another disclaimer: This book is not a "Christian" book. It's written by a feminist who believes in "Spirit", though ironically much of what she talks about seems to be based in Biblical views of men and women in marriage. If you choose to read this book, please just be aware that there are a couple of sections you should take with a grain of salt, and don't be mad at me for recommending a marriage book that's not "Christian.")

One of the first things we did was a "no control date." If you don't think that you like to be in control, you should try this, and then you will quickly realize if that's true. This date is NOT AT ALL how life should actually be, it's totally an exercise, so please don't freak out on me. The idea of the date is that Jason controls everything, even down to what I wear. He picks out my outfit, where we go, how we get there, what I eat/drink, what we do afterward, and decides when the date is over. Let me tell you, I failed miserably. Had I had a roll of duct tape, I would have used the whole thing on my mouth. Even before we left the house, I said, "Oh, let's stop and deposit your check at the bank." Then on the way there, I pointed when he about missed the turn for the bank. Then when we got to the restaurant, I immediately started looking at the menu. Then I almost suggested what we do afterward and had to stop myself mid-sentence. Then I corrected his idea at Hobby Lobby. It was ridiculous. Little things that I say and do without even thinking about it are controlling to him, and I don't even realize it. Anyway, by the end of the night I was mentally more exhausted than I've ever been, but it was totally, 100% eye-opening.

Now that I'm through the whole thing,I have to say that I totally recommend this book. It is a hard process to start surrendering, but it's only been about a week since I started reading this book, and I already can see a difference. Granted, a small difference, but a difference nonetheless. Giving up control forces those around you to be more in control, which makes men feel more manly, women feel more womanly, trust to grow between them both, and intimacy to bloom. If you don't believe me, you should read it. And promise to finish it without throwing it out the window :)