Taking a quick break at work to write this one, just in case anyone from work reads this--I didn't take a lunch break today :)
I totally feel like there is not enough time in my days. And, I don't have kids. I cannot imagine how women have children and continue to work full time/take care of their house/take care of their husband and have ANY time to do anything for themselves. It's crazy! There are so many things I wish I could be better at, like getting up in the morning to go to the gym, spending more time with God, cleaning my house, getting the laundry done... but it's all about choices, it seems like. If I make the choice to get baking done, the house doesn't get clean and I stay up too late to get up early for the gym. If I go to bed at a decent time to go to the gym, the house stays a mess and no baking gets done at all. If I work on only house stuff like laundry and cleaning and baking and dog training, I don't do anything for myself. And if I have a lot going on with doula-ing and teaching FAM, I don't have time to do house stuff OR personal stuff. It's such a crazy game of juggling, and I'm exhausted of it at only 24 years old, without kids! yikes!
I've made countless schedules and lists and mapped things out, and I still seem to fail at getting everything done that needs to get done. Sometimes I long for a day that I can be a stay at home wife/mom, doing doula work on the side. I would be able to take care of my home and myself and my life, and be a relaxed, happy wife for my husband to come home to instead of some crazed maniac trying so hard to get everything done that I realize I haven't looked him in the eye until 15 minutes after he's walked in the door.
I know not all women are meant to be SAHW/SAHM, but I know in my heart that God designed me for that. I LOVE serving my husband. I LOVE cooking for him and hearing his thanks and praises when the house is clean and the food is good. I would LOVE to tend a huge garden that provides food for us year-round (canning/freezing), never run out of clean underwear, have the house cleaned and dinner on the table when Jason gets home, and even--God forbid--be wearing a dress and looking pretty for him.
All in good time, I suppose.
not enough time
3 comments:
That's one reason I had such a hard time when Logan was born, I freaked out thinking I couldn't keep up with the house as well as I used to, but it's funny how it does work out! I can't wait till I can become a SAHM too.
I hate to say it, but you may be surprised by just how little time you'll have even as a stay-at-home-mom. :) I thought I'd be bored and get to have hobbies and whatnot, but no. Not at all! I barely find the time to empty and reload the dishwasher while running after Auggie and Stella. ... Just a heads-up. Hehe..
Ohh Jill, I so relate to your feelings here. Only recently have I felt more "in control" of things, and the reason I do, besides the biggest reason of God making it so, is that I have cut back/said "no" to like 90% of "opportunities" that come my way...you know, extra things to do, for myself, for others, whatever.
It's not that I don't want to do these extra things with my time, but I realize that I feel more unhappy when I'm cramming too much totally fabulous stuff into my days. I'd rather just pick a few gems to savor, and leave the others for when I really know I'm ready to take on more.
Your expectations are too high of yourself, just like most modern women. Many men do not put all this weight of baking, doing a side business, working out, cleaning, looking pretty, researching, all this to be done outside of work on themselves. Culturally they feel significantly less pressure to do this. Also, I think you are idealizing the SAHM stuff, Val has a good point. I also want the SAHM but more because I know I'd be a WRECK trying to be a good mom and work full time, especially if Drew was not home either, but I don't think I'll be any less busy as a mom. Anyway, I think you should keep your desires to progress in the ways you want, but forgive yourself when it doesn't happen at the speed you want:) Love you!
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